>A Room of My Own

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Ankara

I’ve had this fantastic fantasy I’ve been thinking about and embellishing over the years about …….
“a room of my own.”
It’s been a mirage I’ve recreated in my mind whenever I get down or discouraged.
For a long time I’ve dreamt of creating a work space for myself where I would have all my books, paints and supplies and I can work freely.  That’s all I’ve ever needed to create something, so I’ve told myself over the years.
I can just see it now…..
In my dream I sit at a desk in front of a huge window looking out over a flower garden with lots of sunshine.  My husband might be sitting by my side, relaxing or reading (yeah I know, I can’t even seem to be able to dream without him, there is no salvation for some, I guess.)
This would be my own room where I can work, write, paint, whatever my heart desires.   The kids are around somewhere in the background but not making any noise or demands.  There is a prevailing sense of serenity in this room where I sit and form what’s in my head into palpable works.
Of course it is all rather ridiculous considering I have pretty much taken over the whole house including a room I use as a sort of study.  One might say what more could you possibly want? After all I have a room to sleep in, a room to live and entertain in, a room to cook in and even a room to sit
and watch the grass grow in.
I’ve tried to create just such a space for myself in my homes but it never seems to serve its purpose because I seem to find a lot of excuses for not using it.  I sometimes say it’s too dark or that  it’s downstairs when I need to be upstairs or it’s just a mess making it impossible to get any decent work done.  But deep down I know that these are all just excuses for my own short comings.
I’ve led myself to believe that if I could recreate the room in my fantasy I could sit and do something.  There was a possibility of us moving to Istanbul last year and all that time I dreamt of not the perfect house for us, but the perfect house that had the perfect room for me.  I was really excited, this move to a new house that included my dream room, represented the beginning of a much anticipated life for me.  I was going to get my opportunity to resume my life as I had been dreaming of ever since the boys started school.  We didn’t move and we continue as we were.
Well, my eyes have finally opened up and I can see clearly now that the fantasy is not actually about a space but a state of being.  My room is not built from brick or mortar but from hope and yearning.  What I’ve actually been craving for has been a place within my world, in my mind to call my own.  A place where I can exist and have all that I cherish around me without them actually crowding me in, making demands.  A place where I have a right to be who I want to be, no interference only acceptance.
While I have been building dream castles in my mind, I’ve also been laying the blame someplace else.
All this time it was so easy to blame someone else or circumstances for my lack of prolific achievements.  I don’t have that luxury anymore.  I know only I can create that state of
being for myself.
The good news is I’ve started to work lately………….anytime, anywhere.
Whenever I can squeeze in the time I write, I work on my illuminations and I don’t even use a specific room for any of it, any table or computer will do.
I guess the truth does actually set you free.
Ever since I’ve realized I am who I am and I have the right and the ability  to do what I want, life has been much sweeter and much more productive.
 

Here is to hoping that everyone can find a place of their own to be themselves freely. 
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