I turn 40 this year and I have succumbed to the inevitable landmark birthday syndrome and I am in a state of panick. I find myself asking some tiresome questions….
Is this what I had planned to do with my life?
Have I had a profound affect on the people around me?
What kind of legacy will I leave behind?
How will I be remembered?
Many would say that I have done good, raising two boys and handling a husband is enough work on its own but how have I contributed to the world we live in?
Have I done anything of significance?
I don’t know if it has to do with getting older or the concept of mortality finally sinking in, I find myself reflecting on these issues quite a lot lately.
Not many of us get to do anything earth shattering in our lifetimes but we exist, we breath, we occupy a space and we interact so we should have something to say. I’ve been trying to find a way to express myself for sometime now and I think I may have finally found an outlet.
I’ve decided to share my feelings, ideas and views of the world with you. You may do what you like with these, reply if you want to, share if you’ve enjoyed them or just simply ignore them. I don’t mind.
There was a lot I was suppose to do by the time I got to be 40. I should’ve had a momentus achievement of some kind to show for my life’s work. Everytime I have to fill out an application, I dread the moment when I have to put down my occupation………….”housewife”.
I don’t consider my occupation to be a housewife really, I despise housework and I’m quite bad at it. So what does that leave me with? What is my occupation, what do I do in life?
All I can say for myself right now is that I am the mother of 2 teenager boys and a wife; even though I know deep in my heart, that’s the only thing that matters, I still feel the need to be something. Something that will be just “me”.
I’ve been reading about the lives of aristocratic English Ladies who lived in the 18th and 19th centuries and I’m finding their lives fascinating because of the similarities with our own lives. Our situations could not be more different but at the heart of it we are still women, with the same kind of needs and ambitions and feelings. These women corresponded excessively in their day and its because of these letters that today we can read about them and try to understand them and the time they lived in. I won’t be so bold as to say that my ambition is to reach that level of recognition but I would like to have a collection of correspondence with people who matter to me that are more than the occasional amusing email. Who knows maybe by my birthday I’ll have a collection of letters written to “dear friends” that have been read by someone.
This is a warning that you will soon be receiving strange and deep emails that you may wish to avoid so be prepared. They are from your friend who is trying to age gracefully and have fun.
Enjoy (I hope)